Joseph and Patrick Save the Day

The other day, Joseph and Patrick were walking together in the local forest. They were going to meet their wives for a double date that they'd been planning for a long time.
"I am so excited!" said Joseph. " I wore my best suit and tie for this date; its going to be awesome!"
"Yeah, " replied Patrick. "I just got done working in the forge and didn't have time to change, but Kiera will understand. Besides, a t-shirt is maybe a little more appropriate for the forest, don't you think?"
Joseph's smile faltered for a second, but he perked right back up. "We both look great. Now, where were we supposed to meet the girls?"

"They should be here any minute," shrugged Patrick. Just then, he noticed a piece of tattered parchment beneath Joseph's shoe. "Hey, what have you got there?" he asked.
Joseph picked up the dirty scrap of paper and spied some barely legible writing on it.

"Hmmm. Kind of hard to make out...." Joseph squinted. "It looks like it says, 'A carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a stick of butter.' Hey, wait a minute!!" Joseph was suddenly panicked. "I think this was Tearese's shopping list! She must have had it with her when she and Kiera met each other earlier. She would never leave this lying around...they must have been kidnapped!"
Joseph swiftly pulled his suit coat off and threw his tie aside. Come on, we've got to find them!
When he turned to Patrick, something had changed. Patrick's hands had claws! "Wha..whats going on?"asked Joseph.

Patrick growled. "Well, I suppose you were going to find out sooner or later. I'm a mutant. Whenever I sense danger, my claws come out. I also have metal on my bones because of a freak metalworking accident, but thats another story. Sorry you had to find out this way, but we have no time to waste! Lets go!"
Patrick was surprised to note that Joseph didn't seem at all phased by his revelation. In fact, Joseph had a goofy smile on his face.
"Well, since your secrets out, I suppose I can let loose too. Patrick, I too have a secret identity." and with that, Joseph whipped off his shirt and revealed a red and yellow 'S', emblazoned on a spiffy blue suit.
"I'm not exactly a mutant, but I have my own super powers, if you know what I mean."


"Hey, nice boots! I'll have to get me some of those!" winked Patrick.
Joseph and Patrick realized that they both probably had many mortal enemies, so they decided to brainstorm a minute about who could have taken their wives. They went over all of the big ones.

"What about that numbers guy, the one who thought he was cursed?" asked Joseph. "He was always deceptively kind and passive, but just try to call him names..."
"Na," said Patrick. "Not his style. "What about that little frog guy with something stuck in his throat? He was pretty nasty."
"Well, I heard he met his end in a volcano somewhere," answered Joseph. "Orangutan lips? The Pink Kitty Man? Maybe-"
Just then, there was a great clap of thunder followed by a blinding flash of lightning. The inviting forest was immediately replaced by forboding mist and dark menacing shadows. Joseph and Patrick were instantly on their guard.

"This settles it." said Patrick. "This could only be the work of the Spooky Gunslinger! He's well known for his spreading of evil darkness and Nefarious Poppycock! We must find him and destroy him! Just let me get my claws on his ever-changing hair!"


"Well,"replied Joseph slowly, "I hate to burst your bubble, but didn't Kiera ever tell you that The Gunslinger is her and Tearese's brother?!"
"NOOOO!" Exclaimed Patrick. "How do you know for sure?"
"A year or two ago, I was pacing my fortress of solitude trying to come up with the best way to eliminate this menace to society. I had almost determined how to destroy him, when Tearese came to me, pleading that I leave him alone.


"She promised that he wouldn't trouble us anymore. She even told me his secret identity: Jimmy Sparks, mild mannered college student.
So I promised I would let him be, for her sake." Joseph explained. " And he has never bothered us since. This couldn't be his work, I'm sure of it."
As if on cue, the darkness surrounding the forest quietly lifted. But the two heros sensed they were no longer alone.

Joseph cocked his head to the side. "Shhhhh! My super hearing has picked up footsteps over there. Someone's coming."
"And I'm ready for them," grimaced Patrick, his weapons at the ready.
Neither of our heros was expecting what came bursting through the bushes. There they were, Tearese and Kiera, along with their little girls Isabelle and Elora.
"There you are!" exclaimed Tearese, bouncing Elora on her hip. "Where have you boys been,we could have used your help!"


"Were you kidnapped?! Was it Mr. Orangutan Lips?" exclaimed Joseph. "I found your shopping list that you dropped for me to find! We were so worried."
Tearese laughed. "What? I told you to throw that away last week! You must have put it in your pocket and forgotten about it."
"Well, if you weren't kidnapped," Patrick said slowly, "what was all that darkness and mist earlier?"
Kiera shook her head. "Thats what we needed your help with, guys! The babies got a hold of our wands again and were wreaking havoc with the weather and local wildlife. It took both of us together to distract them with a little song of "Popcorn Popping" so that they would drop the wands. At least now they're tuckered out. I guess thats what you get for marrying Hogwarts graduates. Daughters who take after their mothers!"
Tearese winked at Joseph. "So are we still on for our picnic super-boy? I brought the sandwiches!"
"Oh boy!" cried Joseph. "I've got a 'super' appetite after all of that worry!" He laughed.
Patrick retracted his claws and walked over to his wife and daughter. "I'm feeling pretty hungry myself. Lets have that picnic ladies.