So, I was thinking about how I said in my last post that I don't care what other people think. And I realized that it was sooo not true. No, I don't care so much what people think about my clothes, or my body type, or my hair. But I've come to realize that I do care what people think, in that I don't ever want to make them upset about anything on my account.
I don't think I'm as bad as my middle school friend- I don't change my opinion based on what others think, or say what I don't believe- but I do go to great lengths to avoid conflict. Does that make sense? I think it has to do with my self-diagnosed mild social anxiety. I have a few good friends with whom I don't worry about voicing my opinion, but with the majority of my acquaintances that just doesn't happen. Sometimes it's so they don't feel bad, and sometimes it's just to avoid unpleasant interactions.
For example, I may know that "Sally" has a low opinion of people who read or watch fantasy and science fiction; she thinks people should only be entertained by stories that can be "real". (I know more than one Sally). So when I'm with this person, I make sure not to mention that we have all the Harry Potter books/movies, my kids enjoy Star Wars, Doctor Who is my all time favorite tv show, and I find Stargate very entertaining. Most people know this about me, but I maybe I only see Sally once a week, and in that once a week setting, it doesn't matter.
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| Expeliarmus! |
And because I really like Sally (despite our differences) I don't say anything disparaging when she mentions how much she likes Jack Weyland's novels instead. (No offense if you like them too.)
Example two. "Cindy" may be someone I admire greatly, because she is such a good person. She never says anything critical about anyone she knows personally, but as for herself, she's ultra-conservative religious. Cindy is very nice, but she might not be so interested in being friends if she knew I wasn't as much like her as she thinks. (I also know more than one Cindy) The fact that I was allowed to watch R-rated movies as a kid, or read Stephen King books at age 11 defines who I am today, even though neither practice is really a part of my life at the moment. These experiences help me see the viewpoint of a wide variety of people, but Cindy may be uncomfortable around me knowing that. So I don't say anything about it, even when Cindy rants about how horrible it is that some really lame, mild, vampire teen fiction (which I didn't read) is so evil to have been written by a church member. Really? I don't care that she has no interest in the series (because I don't either), but it really bothers me to have the author's integrity questioned when she doesn't know her and has little information to base her opinion on. But I'll be quiet, because I like Cindy.
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| Okay, I saw the movies. Lame, but this is the cute one. |
Then there are people like "John". Maybe John knew me when I was younger and I wore black wizard shirts, grunge plaid, and rings on every finger. John thought I was cool to be such a "rebel" in a conservative town; I must surely be liberal and outspoken today,and feel scorned by the religious right, no? Too bad for John, this is not true. But since John only knows me on facebook these days, is he gonna be confused if I post a link to a talk from General Conference, or a quote about young women and modesty? Sure, I'll "like" it if someone else posts it, but I'm probably not going to do so myself.
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| me being awesome in 1995 |
Speaking of Facebook, I have noticed that sometimes it can make this social anxiety worse, especially since where I live right now, fb is pretty much the majority of my interaction with other people during the week. Where else do you interact with people who know you from all facets of your life, and see you in so many different ways? I have ultra-conservative friends, and ultra-liberal friends, many of whom are not shy about voicing their opinions on politics and religion. Having always been moderate in most of my opinions, I am usually willing to learn why they have their opinions and generally will respect what they think, even if I don't agree with it. But I wouldn't think of posting anything on such volatile subjects myself. (Is anyone else like me in this, or am I just a wimp?)
And there are all the mommy issues of which I wasn't even aware before I had kids. Women get really riled up about things like pregnancy (homebirth vs. hospital vs. midwife, etc.), vaccinations (does it or does it not cause autism?), breastfeeding (one mom is defensive because it didn't work out for her, another is out to get all those uneducated fools who would use formula). Food dyes, processed foods, discipline styles, how much tv kids watch, how long you keep them rear facing in a carseat, the necessity of preschool, homeschooling vs public school vs private school, the list goes on an on. All of these and more pop up on my facebook (and in real life) quite regularly. I definitely have opinions on all of these things, but have made the mistake more than once of thinking I was in like-minded company only to unwittingly offend someone with an offhanded comment, or have someone talk down to me for obviously not knowing enough about the subject, if I have the opinion I do.
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| yep. We have these in our house. Shhhh. |
Yeah, I have my friends on FB collected into categories- generally based on where I know them from- but I don't feel comfortable posting something that's blocked from view to half of my "friends": it feels a little like talking behind someone's back. So I just keep it to myself. Sometimes I annoy myself greatly on not talking out more, especially when I've become friends with someone online and realize we have tons of things in common, but because I never spoke up when we lived near each other, we were never good friends in person, and I missed that chance to have a good friend in life.
What's kind of ironic is that some people think poorly of people like myself who avoid conflict, calling them fence-sitters and saying they HAVE to pick a side on various issues. However, I'm the opposite in that I can't stand it when people are dogmatic and absolute in their opinions, in fact it's one of the few things that can cause me to start an argument to defend the other side, even if I'm arguing for the side that I wouldn't generally agree with! (This drives my husband nuts, by the way.)
So yeah, I guess I do care what other people think, a lot more than I realized. And don't get me wrong, I'm not constantly second guessing everything I say in life or post online. but occasionally I do worry about it. But I am thankful to have a few friends with whom I can really be myself..and with whom I can share this post! Hello? Are you still there ? :-)
10 comments:
haha "sally" "cindy" and "joe" I like those names, they're awesome. I offend people by accident all the time. I also have a wide variety of different types of friends on facebook. Most of the time I don't care or think about what they think, except with overly religious or political posts which I tend to avoid. Tearese, I had no idea we had so much in common. You should have spoken up on my fb wall before this. ;)
you dork.That's why we're like, best friends.
I do the same thing all the time. I have my own opinions, but I don't feel like I need to blare them in someone's face just because I can. I have become really good at subtly avoiding conflict. Sometimes just nodding my head, and saying, "Okay. I can see your point," goes a long way. And I really do try to see their point of view, I just know I don't have to change my own in order to do so. However, sometimes I really have to fight just to voice my mild opinion with certain people who intimidate me. Then I get really anxious about saying anything contrary. And mostly this is with my family, because my brothers are extremely liberal and very willing to share their opinions!
In some ways, I'm like this too. It's not that I don't have an opinion, I just don't always think it's necessary to express it...or to be honest, I don't really care to hear everyone's opinion about my opinion, especially if they disagree.
Also like you, I have friends that I like to talk to about things even if we disagree, especially when we disagree!
I always enjoyed talking to you about a wide range of topics. Remember sitting in my car outside your house talking for hours? Good times!
Great topic, by the way!
I know what you mean. Sometimes I don't post opinions, just because I know they'd start a contentious argument between people of differing opinions. I am personally not a fan of contention, especially with regard to politics, of which conversation is actually mostly non-beneficial. It's not like anything is really accomplished when people gripe about leaders or political opinions.
Sometimes, though, I do speak out when someone is using clearly faulty logic, mostly if it is saying something bad about someone else for no good reason.
One of our mutual friends and I were talking one day about how she had had a friend with more liberal viewpoints and because our friend just listened to her, the other girl thought that our friend held the same beliefs. When our friend corrected her one time and shared what her actual beliefs were, the other girl would no longer talk to her or consider her a friend, just because our friend had a differing opinion. I think that's sad.
Missy- I know, I think in families it's the hardest because you don't want to start a contention that you'll have to deal with forever. You've met my dad, right? He is the opposite of me, kind of like your brothers.
julie- I loved visiting with you outside my house, that was always so fun!
Cardine-that is sad. I've had that happen to me before as well, and it's too bad people can be that way.
I'm glad you and most of the people who comment on my blog are very good about listening to others with different opinions without judging too much.
I rarely give my opinion, because I am certain someone will tell me I am wrong. You are wonderful! I agree though, I think we are different people, when we are with different people. If that makes any sense.
I really like this post and all the comments people have left.
I think I have a tendency to be like your yellow/blue friend from middle school. Mostly, though, I think that just stems from my desire to relate with others and make sure they feel validated in the setting. For example, I'm on my HOA board with people who are VERY different in their personalities and opinions (which is actually a very good thing for that kind of setting). But, sometimes I find myself saying to one person, "yes, I see your point, I agree with that" and then when the other person gives their point of view, I think, "hmm... I hadn't thought of that..." and I say, "yes, I see your point, I agree with that." Sometimes I feel like I'm the lukewarm water people want to spew out of their mouths! Maybe I just need to spend more time thinking before I "commit".
I hope you don't think of me as "Sally" --I like Harry Potter, etc. so it can't be me--, or "Cindy" --True, I have no interest in reading/watching Twilight, but I also feel very comfortable around you and am very interested in being your friend--, or "John" --Well, I'm a girl, not a boy, so this can't be me!--
I think Ruth is right, that we're sometimes different people when we're around different people... but I don't think we should be... or at least I don't want it to be that way for me. That gives me a good goal to shoot for... personal integrity... I want to be me. No matter who I'm with.
Oh, but Ruth, I'm not telling you that I think you're wrong.
(Hmmm... see, I worry about it, too!)
Ruth- most people are probably like that to some degree!
Sarah- you are definitely not any of these people! In fact, I think of you as the least judgmental person I know, and I feel like I could definitely be myself around you!
In the past, I've always been white/blue in my personality, but I think now I'm more blue/red...maybe I get angry easier because of mom hormones or something? Hmm.
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